"Thank you God...BUT..."

So as I write this the banter of clean up time is all around me. The kids are in full swing as I promised they could play a wii sports game if cleaning happened in a timely matter. Is this the best time to be writing? In my eyes, no...but I felt the sense of urgency with a message I have had for a while and decided I would put God off no longer.

So, almost exactly a month ago we welcomed Hannah Glorie into our home. She is precious, beautiful and to be brutally honest...a lot of work. She is the most needy newborn I have had to date. She requires a lot of me in the late night hours and leaves me on many occasion running on 2-4 hours of sleep per night. Somehow though, the Lord renews my strength and rises me up with wings like eagles just as he promised giving me the stamina to run the home with Brian gone these past couple weeks.

Outside of the physical exhaustion, spiritually at times it takes everything I have to make it through the day. You see, Hannah is awesome and amazing and a total blessing in our life, but she is not a replacement for Ruthie. I never expected her to be, and in fact I completely expected that Hannah would remind me so much of what I thought I was supposed to have with Ruthie that it would make it harder. This has proven to be true at times. I found myself just the other day having one of those prayer times...you know them, it goes something like this, "Thank you God for...BUT..." I don't know how you fill in those blanks, but mine went something like this, "Thank you so much for my sweet Hannah. I love her, she is perfect and wonderful, a miracle and a wonder, but Lord I still want my Ruthie." When I realized I was having one of those moments the enemy swooped in and guilt crushed me. I NEVER wanted to be one of those people who was ungrateful for a miracle, a true work of God, and a prophecy fulfilled. You see I have known since I got pregnant that it would a perfect pregnancy, that Hannah would be born living and healthy, and when things started to creep up (like my blood pressure) that prophecy was what I held on to. The Word of God given directly to me in prayer was my only true north. And here I was receiving everything God had for me and still unsettled...still discontent. I felt horrible. And then the Lord spoke, "Daughter, I long for you, to spend time with you face to face in eternity, do I expect you to not long for your own daughter? No. These emotions are real, true and honest. The pain of separation between your world and eternity is real and harsh." I thought in prayer, "But Lord I feel like I want to have my cake and eat it too. Is it wrong that I want all of my daughters? Not just to hold Brooke and Hannah but Ruthie also?"

The feeling of comfort and peace washed over me.

"Yes Lexi...it is OK to want that. She is part of you. When WE embarked on this journey together I never expected you to throw away your love for Ruthie, but rather live with the hope that the only love you will ever know together is perfect."

Not really sure why this moment among many others has been called to a post specifically right now. But I know many of you have dealt with miscarriage and stillbirth and if you have these feelings of being thankful for your current children BUT still longing for your child in eternity know that its OK, normal, and not at all an act of ungratefulness in the eyes of God. He placed that child within you and gave you hopes and dreams for him/her. Remember no one knows better than God who sacrificed His son on the cross and lived without Him while Jesus spent 3 days in the pit of hell for us. He knows this separation, and this pain, BUT in all of this, the very cause of that pain, Jesus' trip to the depths of hell, is what makes it possible for us to dwell for all eternity with our sweet children.

Be Blessed!