God knows what you need!

Friends can I get an Amen when I say that God knows exactly what you need to get through your current circumstances?

I was thinking on this the other day as I watched Brian snuggle up to Hannah.  I thought, "Lord, what if we had a child like Brooke after Ruthie?"  For those of you who don't know Brooke, AKA "the hall monitor" she can be intense.  Snuggle or physical touch is not her way of receiving love.  She is Words of Affirmation and Gifts (from what I can gather so far).  Brian on the other hand has his entire love tank wrapped up in Physical Touch.  Any small caress, hug, kiss, snuggle can lift his spirits almost instantly.  So when I say, "Lord what if we had a Brooke after Ruthie?" what I am really saying is "How would Brian have coped with this?  You certainly know what you are doing."

When Ruthie died, Brian had an intense desire to pour all his love for Ruthie onto Brooke (in the form of...you guessed it...physical touch).  This didn't work so well for either of them, as it ended up with Brooke pushing him away at arms length, breaking his heart.  He just needed to give and receive love the way HE needed to for once.  God called me to get pregnant shortly after Ruthie only 4 months post partum, and when Hannah came she was the gift that we needed.  Friends, Jesus is ALWAYS more than enough for your circumstances.  He can get you through everything...but His Father, God Almighty also has these gifts that He loves to give.

Jesus was enough, Hannah was the icing on the cake. 

Hannah was everything that Brian needed to take that final step out of grief.  From the moment she was born, until now she is content to lay next to Brian and snuggle him ALL morning.  She will bountifully give him kisses, rub his face (smack him in the face too!), and he takes everything that she will give, and she gives everything that he will take.  As I watch them, I see God just loving on His son Brian and giving Brian the outlet to love his daughters: Hannah and Ruthie.  He knew what Brian needed.  My needs were different.  I needed God...to hear from Him, to walk with Him, for Him to carry me through the lonely nights.  I needed EVERYTHING that God could give, I needed His affirmation (I am words of Affirmation mostly), I needed His time (I am also quality time). God knew that He needed to send a child to Brian that could speak Brian's love language.  So He did.

As I pondered on this I thought about you....yes you!  What are your needs?  What are you believing God for?  God knows what you  need and He desires to gift to those who walk uprightly and seek His face, as long as it is within the confines of a Godly walk.  For some it is money...for some it is a child...protection...transportation.  Your needs are known and guess what...they are already met.

"But My God shall supply all your need according to His riches and glory by Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19

Before Ruthie even died... thousands of years ago as Christ died on the cross, our need for a child like Hannah was met.  God knew before He founded the Earth, delivered it by faith to us on the cross, and we received now.  He has all of this crazy life figured out.  Sure you have free will, you have sin and consequences, but there is nothing that God cannot handle, turn around for good and transform into the greatest blessing of your life.

Hannah is one of the greatest gifts we have been given.  She was the product of a very intense faith walk, and was genetically wired by God to act as she does that she might remind us daily that she is our gift, from Him and that He loves us.  Her attitude and sweet nature specifically toward Brian are NO ACCIDENT.  It wasn't a random gene pool, a perfect alignment of certain chromosomes that created Hannah that way, it was the perfect knowledge of God to deliver a gift to his son Brian, and then He used all the amazing ways of reproduction to knit her together for us.  There are no coincidences or luck in God's Kingdom.

All of our children are blessings, the scriptures say children are a reward.  But we have seasons of need and God fills those needs personal to our situation.  What I needed, I received.  What Brian needed, he received.  What we needed before Hannah was born were Justus and Brooke.  We leaned on their funny ways and silliness to get us out of some of the rough days.  And I believe as we move further down the road in life, we will come to know how Hannah was a gift for Justus and Brooke as well.

My point here is no matter what you find yourself in.  What mess you have made in life, or life has made in you God has a plan.  A restorative, glorious plan that manages to both fulfill all your needs as well as glorify Himself.  Praise be to God who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the Heavenlies.

You are Loved!

Ruthie Mac turns 2 Dec 9, 2012

Brooke drew a picture

Justus wrote "Merry Christmas"

I realize this post is about a month overdue, but I am finally sitting down to pictures from my Christmas season and getting to edit them a bit.  This was Ruthie's second heavenly birthday and we tried to celebrate in the "typical" manner.  

We bring breakfast to a local park, eat, let off balloons with letters that we pray Jesus will pass on to her, and then sing happy birthday to her and enjoy dessert.  This year did not go as smoothly as last year...

...honestly it left me a tad bitter at first.

We tried to bring breakfast to a local park only to walk in on a SWARM of gnats.  I mean e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.  Poor Hannah at one point had at least 50-100 bugs on her face, in her hair...just horribly uncomfortable.  We leave.

We get home, take out the balloons (that I usually get the night before as to avoid a rush/stress the morning of) and they are completely deflated... along with my spirit.  They barely float.  Mine...yeah, stuck in my neighbors tree... awesome.





A rough beginning to a rough morning.  Then I just got mad.  Yes, for the first time since Ruthie died, I had a tinge of anger towards God.  I look up to the sky and cry out..."I ASK FOR ONE DAY... ONE DAY... and THESE are the circumstances YOU give me?!"  I know, not my finest hour, but after battling thousands of bugs and my own pain, I had it.  My petty one sided fight with God went something like this, "I know you could keep the balloons inflated, you could have answered my prayers when I took dominion over the gnats and command them leave me... and yet we are home with a balloon that bears my heart and soul STUCK in my neighbors tree..."  Again, I am not proud of my response, God didn't deserve it (He never does, but He gladly listened to me and then swooped in and saved me later).  I share this from the position of victory, confession, and repentance.

My learning take away: Her birthday celebration does not have to be perfect.  Just like there were a few snags in Brooke's parties and Justus' parties, there can be snags in the game plan of Ruthie's.  THE PARTY IS NOT MY ONLY WAY OF PROVING MY UNDYING LOVE FOR HER.  Hanging on to an event as a method/party/plan to deal with pain rather than Christ Himself is a bad idea.  I prove my love for her through the daily attitude of my heart that the Lord sees each time I minister my testimony, teach my children about life, and take time to remember her.  I don't have to ask "for just one day"  I have EVERY day to have a heart that ministers the love I have for my Savior and my daughter.  Her birthday doesn't have to be perfect, first because I am not perfect, but mostly because I don't need just ONE DAY.

 So this year our pictures are in our backyard and our balloons didn't fly.  But, the beauty is that the message on the balloons is written on the hearts of those who decorated them.  God sees the heart, and will reveal to Ruthie as He sees fit.  Ah the sweet beauty of redemption.  I can't live a single day without it.

Happy Birthday Ruthie Mac, you are loved, a treasure stored away in Heaven, whose footprints that never walked this earth have been imprinted on my heart until the day I see eternity.  I Love You.

Reflections from a Beach Trip

 As a Father's Day gift to Brian as well as a reward to the kids, I planned out a kayaking trip to to Caladesi Island.  Lunch was packed, all necessary stuff together (sunblock, towels, sun glasses etc), and we were off.  What I didn't know was that God was going to show me a tiny glimpse of the heart of heaven.  I often stop to watch and observe my children as God uses them to speak directly to a need or desire in my heart.  What is it about little children?  For me, it is their childlike faith that often shows me exactly where I am falling short or a characteristic of God's heart that I can grow in.  I wonder if anyone out there is the same way?  Does God use your children to speak to you?  If so, then you might relate to where I am coming from today.  Anyway, so when we got to Caladesi Island we stopped for lunch and then went on a walk to pick up shells.  As my hands started to get full a lady walks up to me and starts to chat with me.  She hands me a bag to carry our shells in.  As of now, I think this lady was an angel...no really...a real angel. As I talked with her I thought how if I saw her on the street I would never think she was a kayaker.  She talked about how she would sell her home before her kayak and while I don't have the physique either, I thought...goodness, I would never have thought!  Well, I never saw her again, even though everyone we past on our way looking for shells was there when we walked back...I certainly do believe that I entertained an angel.  It was as if God was saying, "I want you to have this bag because I don't want you to miss a single shell...listen child, I will show you something."  So we began gathering shells...and gathering...and gathering until the bag was so full it was ripping.  It seemed like every couple of seconds I would hear Brooke, "MOOOM!!!  LOOK!!!!" and she would hand me either one tiny shell or a handful.  Then I heard God...clear as day...in the same voice that He always speaks to my spirit, "Lexi, what kind of shells is she picking up?"  "Well goodness God it seems like everything and anything.  There is no rhyme or reason...some are perfect and some are broken."

Don't get me wrong, some of the shells were large and beautiful.  Complete "lacking nothing" much like the picture above.  These shells manages the tides of life and still looked pretty awesome.  They truly were beautiful, even I thought so, and those were the ones I wanted to keep.  But Brooke kept handing me all these broken shells...they were taking up space in the bag and there was no shortage of complete and whole shells on this beach.  And then again, GOD, "Do you see how Brooke equally loves both the perfect and the broken shells?  That is the heartbeat of heaven, I love the times when you have it together and the times when you are broken."  That word was so heavy on my spirit.  In a society that tosses that which is broken, I thought I stood apart from that.  But there is still so much worldliness in me...still so much that wants to get rid of that which is not perfect, including those areas of my life that are broken.  Where I see pain, wear and tear, rough edges, cracking, and eroding God sees beauty.  Some of us have been beaten a little (or a lot) by life, some of us look like these shells to the right...others of us have not enduring extreme times of testing and trial and still look like the beautiful shells above.  It doesn't matter where your spirit is, how weak you are or how much you have crumbled under the pressure of the rising tide, God sees beauty.  He sees an opportunity to turn that weakness into strength by His power and for His glory.  I am learning to not miss the opportunities to allow God into the brokenness of life.  This can be scary... for me it might mean sharing my testimony with a stranger, serving a pregnant lady even though it brings up pain in my spirit, loving the lady who can have children but chooses she doesn't want them.  These are things that take me out of my shell of comfort and plunge me into God's kingdom, His realm where it is about Him and His glory and not me and my pain.  It is when that happens that He will take the broken shell and restore it...maybe not into a perfect looking shell, but a shell that reflects more of His image.

Be Blessed today dear Friend!

Joyful Mother's Day

My heart is heavy tonight for the Mom who is missing her eternal child this weekend.  It is heavy for the friends who only have a child in heaven and none (yet) to raise on earth.  My heart is heavy for the Mom of multiple miscarriages that will miss several children this Mother's Day, but mostly my heart is heavy for all of us who will spend this Mother's Day without a child God used us to create.

These days are not easy.  Sometimes you don't even realize it and all of a sudden...BAM...you find yourself stuck in a puddle of tears on a day that was meant to celebrate you.  I get it Mom, it is hard to celebrate you, when a part of you is missing. 

I know.

I understand that pain, the pain of wondering how you are supposed to be happy on your birthday, when you know that you should have a 1 year old by your side, the pain of reading a Mother's Day card signed by all your children but one.  It is not easy...this life.  It was never meant to be easy, it was meant to be a testimony.  And I learn day by day, that sometimes testimonies = tears.  Sometimes testimony is defined by our pain and weakness healed by his joy and power.  The problem with that is that it starts with our pain and weakness.

I don't know about you but showing pain and weakness is hardly ever on my to-do list.  But it is time to get real.  It is time to break down the walls and be transparent with each other and with our community of friends that care for us and pray for us.  Some days, like maybe this Mother's Day, are not good days for us.  Some days are still hard, and no amount of time will make these days easier.  That's OK, friend.  We are not meant to get through these days without thinking about our dear little ones that are on the lap of Jesus, we are meant to testify regardless of where they are.

It is our thorn in the flesh to walk this life with a part of us in heaven.  There are days for me that I can't decide if Ruthie being with Jesus makes eternity feel closer or further away.  All of these painful thoughts, moments and decisions are not the important thing. The important thing is that Jesus made a way for us to have one spectacular Mother's Day when we get to Heaven.

I have a message on my heart for you, and I believe it is from the Lord Himself.  Forget "Happy" Mother's Day...let's strive to have "Joyful Mother's Day".  Why do I say that?  Joy comes not from our circumstances, but from Christ Himself.  If we know Jesus, nothing in this life can steal the good news of His Spirit indwelling us.  He is the very being that turns beauty into ashes, the very being that changes the water of our life into wine.  Joy is not about our feelings or emotions, it comes from our overwhelming hope in Jesus.  Happy makes things about us, joyful makes them about Jesus.  So this Mother's Day, take the pressure off yourself to be "happy" all day, and determine to focus on Jesus and be joyful.  Let Mother's Day be about Him, the Maker of the Universe that created you to be a Mother, and the awesome work of art you are in this world.  God has used Motherhood to mold you and shape you into a closer likeness of His image, and no matter how He went about it (even if it caused tears and pain) I know the Lord looks down on His creation, His work of art, You, and says, "Very Good."

Maybe this Mother's Day you are hurting because of infertility...your only children are in Heaven and you feel like you have nothing to show here on Earth.  My heart hurts for you, but you are still a Mother.  Only a Mother would hand her child back to the Lord, long before she could meet him/her and spend the rest of her days with the blessed assurance of seeing her child again.  If you miss your child, you are a Mom.  We cannot separate ourselves from our calling as mother.  We were designed to first help our husbands and second create and fill the earth.  Producing children is the miracle within us, but even greater is the bond created once we know life is in us.  We can't cut our love off, we can't love our children less when they mess up.  God has planted within us a piece of His spirit that we don't know or understand until we have children: overwhelming love despite their sin.  Nothing can take our love away from our children...not even having them pass into the arms of Jesus.  You my dear friend, who only births babies into the arms of God, are no less a mother than I.  You are no less blessed than I, though the world might speak terrible lies into your life.  I know and understand the emptiness in your spirit, and I don't make light of your pain, but I still believe in my spirit that you are so much a Mom, and you too deserve to celebrate a Joyful Mother's Day.

Friend, I don't know your circumstance, but I can understand your pain on this day.  Let's try our hardest this year to put our eyes on Jesus, to receive all the joy He wants to bestow upon us, and celebrate our role as mothers...not necessarily with happiness, but with joy and hope.

Joyful Mother's Day to you Mom! 

Good Friday and an even better Sunday!

You know, Good Friday always is a day that brings me to my knees. I have a couple of reasons for this, but mostly now I feel like I can in a small way, understand God's pain. I don't imagine to fully relate to an all-perfect, all-powerful being, but through my journey as Ruthie's Mom, He has given me a small glimpse of the pain He felt as He watched His only son die. Ruthie was certainly not my only child, and she certainly did not take on the sins of the world, but she was ordained on this earth for a short time, and for a certain purpose, and as her parent I had to watch as they rolled the stone over her tomb.

While this journey has not been easy I must completely agree with a comment made in the movie Courageous...people who walk with God through the pain of a child's death and remain with God in it, have a unique relationship with Him...a unique trust, and a unique bond. We understand the pain and the weight of sin in this world. See friend, God did not ordain death and sickness for us. Our own flesh and sin took over in the Garden of Eden and we wanted our way and not God's. That sin act has been taking its toll on us ever since. The enemy wages war against us, and our flesh and our sin kill us...sadly and painfully God watches over His creation as we tear each other apart, hurt each other and let our flesh and sin take over. Miscarriage, stillbirth, death...none of this were His original plans (though He knew His creation well enough to know it would happen), they were ours when we went against His command and ate from the tree of life.

What am I saying? We as parents of an eternal child can gain a glimpse into the heart God had on that "Good" Friday when Jesus died. The separation hurt, the pain was intense, and God had to look away. The Bible says that Jesus BECAME sin that we might be the righteousness of God (2Cor5:21). What does that mean, Jesus became sin? It means that when He was suffering on the cross for us, forgiving us for what we had done to Him, GOD HAD TO LOOK AWAY. See, sin cannot be in the presence of God, so God had to send a perfect sacrifice for us, a sacrifice that would not be born into this world in sin (hence the VIRGIN birth...Jesus was born like no other person), He would have to be spotless without blemish (just like the lambs that would be sacrificed on the day of atonement) meaning Jesus would have to live in an earthly body, and yet not sin. He would also have to be willing to be a scapegoat. A scapegoat in the Old Testament was a lamb that the priest would claim to put all the sins of the community on and then be released into the wild...in other words the sins of the people would be put on the lamb and the lamb would have to take the sins away from the community. This perfect sacrifice that would reestablish the broken relationship between God and His people would have to be all of those things...and so, God sent Jesus.

So in order that prophecy and relationship be fulfilled and established God had Jesus hung on the cross. The perfect sacrifice slain for His people who would rejected Him, took on the sins of mankind so much that His own Father (God) could not look at Him. He would die, be buried and spend 3 days in Hell. Yes, that is right, Jesus himself not only bore our sins but took the penalty that we deserve for our sin and paid it in full. He didn't just die for you, He paid your debt, so that when God looks upon say me, He doesn't see my sin, He sees that I have been sealed with the Holy Spirit. Because of Jesus my sins are in the Sea of Forgetfullness (Isaiah 43:25), they are as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12), and God remembers them no more, because when He looks at me He sees his son Jesus instead. Oh blessed exchange thank you God!

While this is good news...there is even greater news. If you go to the tomb of Jesus, He is not there! Hallelujah! Jesus rose from the dead and spent 40 days eating and drinking with His people. When you go to the tomb of my God, He's not there. Why? Was His body taken? No. It wasn't, the stone was rolled away and eventually He ascended into Heaven and lives at the right hand of His Father.

Why am I writing all of this? You see I have a blessed assurance. Ruthie is not with me but I have a hope that none can crush. I have the power of the risen Christ within me because I was sealed with His Holy Spirit. Not to brag, but it's pretty cool! You see the power God used to raise Jesus from the dead is within each person who believes that Jesus Christ is the son of God, and that the only way to God is through Him. I don't know how far and how wide my tiny little blog reaches, but I do know that there is always someone God wants me ministering too. Maybe today it is you. Maybe you realize what Jesus did for you, and nothing is holding you back...but yourself. You may think, "Lexi you don't know what I have done." Well friend, you don't know what I have done either! The Bible says we have ALL sinned and fallen short of God's glory (Rom 3:23), it says He is NO respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), and that when we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us of all unrighteousness (1John 1:9). Friend you see we can never be too bad for God to not love us, and we can never be too good to gain our own entry into Heaven. WE MUST HAVE JESUS. Being "good enough" is not enough to get you in, and having a bad past is not bad enough for Him to exclude you. You are never too late to run back to the Lord Jesus. He will forgive your debts and sins, just as He did for me, and He will guide you through the the mountain peaks and the valleys He knows lay in your path of life.

I cannot imagine a better time of the year for a gospel message. The GOOD NEWS is for you my friend. It is for everyone who is willing to raise the white flag of surrender on doing life their way, and abandon themselves to a God who knows your past, present, and future and has declared He knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you and give you a hope and a future (Jer 29:11).

Now the question I am sure you have, "Well...great, but what do I have to do?"

Ahh, this is the simplest part. The Bible says confess and believe. "If you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved (Rom 10:19)."

Pray with me:

Jesus, thank you for your perfect sacrifice. I now know what you have done for me, the blinders are removed and I put my faith and trust in you. I am in need of a savior, and you Jesus are that savior. Please forgive my sins, my selfishness, and my pride. Fill me with your Holy Spirit and guide me in my ways. I am yours, I surrender. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Congrats friend! Welcome to the family of God! Marching orders: get yourself a Bible (NIV is pretty easy to understand) and start reading in the gospels to get to know Jesus a bit, find a church that preaches the word and go get yourself baptized! Oh...and GO TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU JUST DID!

May your Resurrection Sunday be filled with the power of God that we might be His witnesses in Jerusalem, all of Judea and Samaria, and the ends of the earth (Acts 1:8)!

A Gospel Song for you to enjoy and rejoice to!

You Hold Me Now

I have never heard this song before until church today. WOW...

Lord Jesus, thank you that while Ruthie could not confess your name as Lord that your mercy covered her and she is being held by You. Glory to God that I will one day behold this, receive the perfection of the Heaven You have for us. That one day You will hold my entire family in your arms together and complete. Thank you that Ruthie is a reminder that completeness lies not in anything this world can give me, but only in your arms. I Love You, Jesus, Lord, Messiah, my Savior. Amen

SHE'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!

God has a strange way of using my children to encourage me, lift me up, or flat set me straight. My children are the greatest sanctification process of my life...the more I am around them, the better a person Jesus molds me into. It's a simple fact that it is hard to be hypocritical when you have a 4 year old...or at least a 4 year old like Justus-- BEWARE he will rebuke you if you are out of line!

Outside of this, God uses them to remind me that He sees my life, He knows my walk, and He is carrying my burdens. From the moment Hannah was born, Brooke did this funny thing: every time Hannah moved she would say, "MOMMY, SHE'S ALIVE!!"

At first I would flash back to the old Frankenstein movie as the monster got off the table and the mad doctor was screaming, "IT'S ALIVE." But after a while I would think, "Yes...yes Brooke she is alive." As if to say, "Enough all ready, we know she is alive...it is obvious." Just the other day it hit me, how would I feel if she stopped saying it? I realized my heart would be broken, and I need to receive that word as a word of faith spoken over Hannah.

When you enter into the pain of a child going to be with the Lord, the words "She's alive" mean a whole lot. Yes, Brooke is stating the obvious...but flash back a year and a couple months and that statement over Ruthie would not have fit. Praise the Lord, Glory to God it fits over my daughter Hannah. You see Brooke's crazy-talk is a reminder to me that God has done what He does best: restore, revive, provide...the miraculous. And she says this at least 2-3 times a day. What a message of His goodness spoken through my house. I also began to realize what a word of faith that is. I remember praying that same prayer over my pregnancy, "Lord, she is alive, she will be born alive, I will enjoy her through my old age, and I will get to raise her." Why did that prayer ever stop? Just because she was born? Praise the Lord that where I fell short in prayer, the Lord placed that responsibility on my daughter who was not afraid to speak the Word of the Lord over Hannah. Starting today I realized that my response to Brooke has always been wrong. Instead of, "Yes Brooke that's right" its "I receive that for my daughter as God's will for her life---long and abundant."

Thank you Lord for using my children where I fall short, and thank you that I have children who love you with all of their hearts, who are not afraid to put their childlike faith into action. I don't deserve them, but by your grace and mercy you have blessed me with them, and I praise you for it. You have used them to make me a better person.