March 24th, The Autopsy report.

All day last Thursday I braced myself for my 3:10pm appointment. It was the "dreaded day" that I would hold in my hands the report and finding from Ruthie's autopsy. I was on the verge of tears all day. Anxious, tense, unsettled all day.

Finally at nap time I got some time with my awesome God. Below is the conversation that I had with God, I am sharing directly from my journal. That's right...God speaks to me, He can and does speak to you too...

"I am nervous- anxious. I just don't know what to expect, God" I told Him in a small sentence that felt like it was baring my soul. "Could you clue me in to what the doctor will say?"

"No. I want you to proclaim my wonders and my name no matter what you hear. Daughter, you know I have another child in your future."

"Yes I know. But how do I know this one will be safe and healthy?"

"You don't. It is OK to be afraid, Lexi. You just cannot act on that fear your entire life. I am telling you the only way to get over this fear is to get pregnant again."

"But I want assurance, God"

Remember My Word, Isaiah 40:11

"And He will feed His flock like a shepherd.

He will gather the lambs with his arm and carry them in His bosom.

He gently leads those who are with young."

"God, I like the idea of more children...I don't know if my heart can handle another death."

"ONLY I KNOW WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE."

Immediately God brought me to Isaiah 41:9-10

"You are my servant.

I have chosen you and have not cast you away.

Fear not for I am with you.

Be not dismayed for I am your God.

I will strengthen you.

Yes, I will help you.

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"

Then to Isaiah 41:15

"You shall thresh the mountains [the trials in my life]

and beat them small.

"Are you sure God?"

Isaiah 40:8

"The grass withers and the flower fades, but the Word of our God stands forever."

That is how my time with my Lord ended. Not long after this conversation I found myself in Dr. Wong's office with my husband. As we leafed through the report God had granted my every wish. Ruthie was perfect...with out blemish. All her organs measured, weighed, and appeared normal. There is no official "cause of death" but Jesus left us with nothing to point fingers over, nothing to blame, and nothing to scare us. How good is the Lord Jesus!? Hallelujah!

Upon contacting some of my closest friends I received a text back from a woman who knows my pain all too well. A woman who has been called to withstand the same journey as me, only for her beloved twins. Friends, God is so faithful to always show you His goodness and mercy in times of stress and pain. The story of my dear friend Christi has pulled me from the pit of despair more times than I can count. God has used this mighty woman to speak many good words into my life. She is a dear sister, whom I have only known for a few months. When she found out about the results and how joyful I was over them she sent me the most beautiful text response that warms my heart,

"Of course she was perfect Lex, she was made by Jesus for Jesus alone."

Praise God that I was able to bear this blessed child that was created for the sole purpose of glorifying God before His heavenly throne day and night for all eternity. I have decided there is no greater calling.

I would like to dedicate this entry to Christi, a woman so filled with her God that she has been able to show me the miracle that God does in and through my life daily. I Love You Sister!