Here we are, January 25, 2011. I can tell you this day came faster than I thought it would. I have been bracing myself for this day since Ruthie was born. What is significant about today? Today would have been Ruthie's due date.
As you pause to catch your breath, know that I did the same thing this morning. I decided if I wanted it to be a good day, I HAD to get up and start the day right. So I did. I woke at 5am, got in a workout, and then spent the next hour with God. What a precious time with Him. Sometimes we are so serious about "prayer" that we forget it is just talking to God. Prayer doesn't have a special time of the day, a special location, a special journal. Sure we do all those things to be effective in our prayer time, and they help us be consistent. But when it comes down to it, the bare-bones of prayer is just talking to God...and letting Him talk back. Me and God...we chatted for a while. I asked questions, questions that I have asked so many times before. I repented and asked forgiveness that I have asked Him so many times the same question, as if His answer would change. I asked for strength, to be mounted up on eagle's wings, that today would be a day I would run and not grow faint. I asked for Heavenly distractions. Ones that would keep Ruthie in the front of my mind, but help me to rejoice rather than scream out in pain. I asked for a mind filled with the glory of Heaven. One that rejoices in the truth of where Ruthie is, and a reminder that as our Almighty Father, He can care for her better than I can. I asked Him to give me joy today, and I just talked and talked. Eventually I let Him have a word in (amazing how patient God is huh?). He reminded me that "His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts." He reminded me that His ways are so complex that it will take me entering into eternity for me to understand the full scope of what He is working to good. Oh how I love when God lovingly reminds us that He is in control.
I woke this morning wondering if anyone would remember my due date. My greatest fear is that Ruthie's life vanish into oblivion and no one even think twice. She has changed so many people, and has had such an impact that I can't let her life fade away. So I wondered if there was anyone out there...and then in God's perfect timing I got a knock on the door. My awesome Aunt Donna had flowers sent to us. Beautiful yellow roses. Almost as beautiful as Ruthie with a card that said, "We will never forget your little angel". I have always heard that yellow roses were a symbol of remembrance, but as I researched it today, they are a sign of joy. What a message...remember Ruthie with joy. I have decided that I will always have yellow roses in my home for each of her birthdays, so I can always look through my home and remember her with great joy and honor; a child who never breathed on this earth and continues to have eternal impact.
Thank you for taking the time to remember her with me. So many people miss out on the blessing of knowing their child because they passed into eternity. The key, I have learned is not to forget them (because the pain remains anyway), but to rejoice in their life. You see Ruthie has life. John 3:16 has become a verse that so powerfully speaks to me. The Bible says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son [Jesus] that whoever believes in him [Jesus] shall not perish but have eternal life." You see Ruthie left this Earth for ETERNAL LIFE in heaven. I must rejoice in her life with Jesus just as I rejoice in the life of my children here on Earth. She is not to be forgotten, she will never be forgotten, and no child will take her place. She is her own special person in this family, the only difference is that we must wait to get to know her. One day, one day...
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