A Prayer & A Letter

So, welcome again to my blog. Be warned, I am sitting here in a puddle of tears missing my sweet Ruthie. As I glance through pictures of her, as I gaze upon the beauty given to her by our Father in Heaven, and as I think back on her story, the journey has been a delicate balance of tears, praise, joy, and pain. The pain is not gone, I am not sure that it ever will be. No other child will ever take Ruthie's place in my heart, and each and every day I miss her like crazy. In the midst of my pain just now, prayer rose up in my heart. As I began to pray the Holy Spirit ministered to me through my own words. Here is my prayer:

"Father, please send your comfort to me. I know I have asked for it over and over, but Lord please send it one more time. Thank you that you abound in peace and you give it to those who seek you with thanksgiving. Jesus the pain is so great, the longing so intense, the desire more than I can handle. I miss my Ruthie. I know you have her in your tender care and are holding her until I can, and I trust that if there is anyone who can parent Ruthie better than me, it is You, our creator, the author and finisher of our faith. Jesus I know where she is, I have a glimpse through your Word of what she is doing, and my spirit cries out in thanksgiving, but my flesh is so weak. Praise be to You, God of all creation for your mercy on us. Thank you that you sent Jesus to die, 2000 years ago, for me, my friends and family, but also my dear Ruthie. Thank you Jesus that she was on your mind as you suffered for our sake. Lord, Your mercy is so great, that you died not only for those who believe in you, but for those "innocents", the children who cannot yet make decisions. Father, I don't know what I would cling to in these days of trial, if not for your grace and mercy. Thank you that I have assurance of seeing Ruthie again. One day, we will share the loving embrace that was stolen from us. Thank you that I will never have to wipe away a tear from her face, thank you that she will never know heartache or pain as I do now. Praise you Father, that she will never know the wickedness of this world, that she will never be preyed upon by our enemy, and that she only knows the glory of heaven and the perfection that awaits those who have surrendered their lives to Jesus. Thank you that, just as David proclaimed, "I will go to him" I too will go to Ruthie one day and show my love for her. Oh what a glorious day that will be: both seeing your face and my precious daughter. Even through the pain Lord I say, Thank you!! Thank you for choosing me to carry Ruthie. Thank you that you saw me and said to the enemy, "Have you considered my servant, Lexi?" Lord I count it an honor to suffer for your Kingdom's sake and to proclaim your name from the rooftops. Jesus, it is my pleasure to walk this journey with you, and thank you that you have been by my side through it all. I count all joy to have carried Ruthie, to birth her and bear the title of 'Mom' in her life. It is my honor and privileged. Father she was and is perfect in my eyes, a sweet little gift from heaven brought into our lives for no other reason than to bring glory to the name of Jesus. I accept my lot, my thorn in the flesh that will be with me until I enter into eternity, and I proclaim that I will never let the enemy use it against You Lord. You deserve honor and glory, not blame and anger and I willingly bestow that to you. Thank you for the promise of heaven, the gift of eternity for those who choose to believe in Jesus, your saving grace, abounding love, compassionate mercy, and abundant peace. Thank you that the stripes Jesus bore and the wounds of the cross promise me healing, life, blessing, and peace. You truly are an amazing God and worthy of nothing less than honor, glory, and praise. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Now my letter:

Dearest Ruthie,

I almost have no words, which you will come to know is very unlikely! You have been a joy from the beginning. Your movements in the womb let me know that you are a spunky one. I think of all my children, you Ruthie Micaiah would have been the most active. We were hoping for a tame one, but just like your siblings, you were one to keep us on our toes. Ruthie, we still have no earthly reason for you slipping into eternity, but that does not matter to us. We know you and love you as a part of this family regardless. You have an amazing Dad. His heart and love for you is off the charts, and one day when Dad is ushered into the presence of God you will be able to see in his eyes just how passionately he loves his children. Ruthie you are no different. What an earthly father you have! Caring, loving, fun, and adventurous. He is more than I can describe and more than I deserve. Your brother Justus is so exciting. He loves you so much and talks about you all the time. Your life story, though short, has ministered to Justus and God has used you Ruthie, to save your brother. You will meet him one day too. He always asks about you, talks about you, and is so excited that you are with Jesus right now. Brooke is a feisty one. You two would have been so close. She is a passionate little lady, and not afraid to put people in their place...even if she only has a few words. Ruthie, my love for you overflows. I don't know or understand how it is possible to love someone so much though we have only spent a few months together. It is as if God linked our hearts together for eternity, and it aches for you because you as so loved and I cannot express that love to you. There are so many things we will never experience together: school times, first tooth, step, and word, pedicures, your wedding, your children. It feels like we have missed out on so much because of God's decision to keep you with Him. But I know that all of this means we have gained a definite eternity together. Eternity and meeting you again seems so far away, I don't know if I can last that long on my own strength, but God has been sustaining me through this time. It hurts, but Mommy will be OK. There is no amount or set of numbers that I can put on here to tell you how much I love you and that might even be the worst of it. The idea of not being able to physically show you my love makes my arms ache, but I know that God's love in the heavenlies is more than enough for you. You seem so far away, almost as if you will never be tangible to me again, but I know that is a lie from Satan. You are so close, my time on earth is but a blip compared to eternity. You are dearly loved, greatly missed, and a prized piece of this family. You will never be forgotten, no other child will replace you, and Dad and I will continue to fight to have your story told that others might be changed. Mom is so much stronger because of knowing you and carrying you. You, Ruthie have made me dance with joy, and fall to my knees and in both cases I have grown closer to our heavenly Father. Thank you. You have changed the lives of so many. One day Ruthie, people will come up to you in heaven and thank you, because without your testimony and story they would never know Jesus. Already people have come to know Christ because of you. God has used you to make so many people stronger, me included. Ruthie, it was an honor to carry you, and as much as this hurts me to be separated from you, I would rather deal with this pain and know we have eternity together, than never have known you at all and been spared from this. I love you Ruthie, and that will never change, sweet daughter.

Love, Mom