A testimony is built out of the Darkness

I know usually we use this as a method of simply sharing pictures, but I think that on a few occasions I am going to use this to share my heart. I have read over and over about the healing that come from pouring thoughts, pain, and trials out through the written word and so as God puts a message on my heart it will be poured out here. I am going to try and stay real. The pain of God's choice is still real to Brian and I, but we are grateful for His peace. Last night the darkness of my bedroom was emotional for me. Tears of emptiness streamed down. I was not in hysterics, I was not angry, I was just grieving. The hardest part of losing Ruthie for me has been the emptiness...empty arms, empty baby bedroom, empty bassinet, empty car seat. Last night, my arms were empty and that feeling brought me to quiet sobs.

God has been so present in most of my grief, always pulling me from the pit of despair early and not letting me get down and out. Last night, God chose to take a back seat and allow the pain to remain longer than usual watching whether I would take the step of faith to attempt to pull myself out and praise Him through the thorns and pain. Praise to God went up in the form of prayer, believing, hoping, and knowing that God has and will continue to bring good from Ruthie's short life. I have learned that the tears do not mean that I doubt God or am angry with Him or His ultimate choice, but rather just a way of showing myself how much I do love (and always will love) Ruthie. The tears validate her life, my love, and the trial that I am currently walking. It has been difficult for me to understand why my body longs so much for her, yet my spirit rejoices over where she is at, knowing that I too long to be in the arms of Jesus, sitting across from God's Heavenly Throne, staring Him in the face and praising His holy name. Such a dance between grief and praise, I am still yet to understand it...I am simply along for the ride.

In all of this I think the grieving person has a choice. Yes, I think we have a say in our grief. We must CHOOSE to believe and hope. We must make the choice to love, praise, and worship God through the pain. A lot of things hurt right now...even going for walks with the kids (there should be a #3 there...) but I have learned that one thing that always feels good is to give God the honor, praise, and glory He is due in all of this. Without Him and the sacrifice of Jesus, were would dear Ruthie be right now? I have hope and thanksgiving for my God, knowing that "His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts".

So, after a long night of feeling that God was there but off in the distance rather than wrapping me up in His loving arms and rocking me, I woke up. Upon waking, I did morning devotionals with Justus. Our devotionals are out of a children's Bible... it just goes to show that the Word of God is the Word no matter who it is written for! God spoke greatly to my heart as we read the creation story:

"In the beginning, there was nothing. Nothing to hear. Nothing to feel. Nothing to see. Only emptiness. And darkness. And...nothing but nothing. But God was there. And God had a wonderful plan. "I'll take this emptiness," God said, "and I'll fill it up! Out of the darkness, I am going to make light! And out of the nothing, I'm going to make...EVERYTHING!" Like a mommy bird flutters her wings over her eggs to help her babies hatch, God hovered over the deep silent darkness. He was making life happen."

*From the Jesus Storybook Bible

What a picture of my life last night. Emptiness...darkness...silence...all wrapped into one. God has seen that before, He has even experienced it (through the death of His own son), and both times He took it, worked with it, hovered over it, and He made life happen. I slowly feel God breathing life back into our dry bones. It is a slow process for sure, but Praise God that even when God is hovering at a distance, He can still bring life into the darkness and emptiness.

Please Pray with me:

"Father God thank you that nothing is formless and empty to you. Thank you that you bring life to the dry bones in our lives. I pray that if anyone is experiencing loneliness or emptiness they would reach out to You--the God that spoke the world into existence. The God that breathed life into Adam, the God that sacrificed His only begotten son for the everlasting life of the world. Hover over them Holy Spirit in their hour of need, teach them to walk through the pain and fire, and when they can't handle any more, grab hold of them and carry them. Thank you that You PROMISE to never give us more than we can handle, and You promise to hear us when we call Your name. Thank you Jesus that last night even the emptiness and darkness were subject to your name. Please calm the storms of our lives through Your holy power that conquered death. In Jesus' name, Amen."