Fun...

This month in particular has been rough on me. June 9th revealed 6 months since Ruthie's eternal birth and that was rather overwhelming for me. While normally a pregnant woman is a mess of a person emotionally, I was holding it together quiet well until this month. It seems like I am always at the point of tears, almost everything seems to remind me of Ruthie, and I find my mind going to what I have already missed in her life: first cereal, sitting up, smiling, laughing etc. This has been hard, but also cleansing. While there is nothing I dislike more than getting myself into an emotional mess, at the end I always feel better... probably because my messes usually end in my curling up on God's lap and crying out to Him.

Anyway, so there was a sermon series by John Mac Arthur I have been wanting to listen to for a while on Heaven and what it is like, and after listening I found myself disappointed, to the point of not really wanting to go there. My heart was hard and I found myself in a position where I no longer desired what I wanted most for the past 9 years: seeing Jesus face to face alongside the Glory of my Heavenly Father. It was as if what MacArthur had to say didn't play into what I wanted to do in Heaven, so I didn't want to be there. I realize this is sin and not the right attitude, but He just didn't make it sound that exciting. After struggling with this for a few days I journaled a prayer about it:

"I confess all this reading about heaven has made me not really desire it. I know my heart and mind cannot fathom what is there, but all I have read is devoid of any real adventure or excitement. It's not that I don't want to/desire to behold your glory and serve you, but I feel that no one has really shown me in scripture that it is as exciting as I expected it to be. These pastors could all be wrong, I realize that and you have probably intentionally hidden truths from us as to not spoil the surprise, but I cannot help but feel let down by what I have read. Being sinless is awesome, your glory is amazing, seeing my family is great, but we won't be the same family unit as we are now. Will I even see Ruthie right away? Will she want to spend time with me, considering all the awesome people there? Why would she choose me when there are so many other heroes for her to fellowship and spend time with? If she could choose between me and John the Baptist...me and Moses...me and Jesus, why would she ever choose me? Knowing the truth should set me free, and yet it has left me uninterested and saddened. I am so sorry this must hurt you so greatly that I don't desire the eternity you have for me. I realize this is the wrong heart but I wanted to be honest so you could change me. Please help me get excited about eternity again. Amen."

A couple of days after this prayer I found myself still wrestling with the idea of heaven falling short, and I brought it before God a little more boldly. I told Him there is nothing more painful than being discontent with what He has for me, and that I needed a sign. I needed to KNOW that it was going to be a place that I enjoy for all eternity. A place where my personality, gifts, and all that I am will flourish. A place that is fun. A place where all He has created me to be will be individual and beautiful. That while the idea of family might be different there, that I would behold my family in eternal awesomeness. That we will fellowship, enjoy each other EVEN MORE than we do now because we will be free from the sin that causes us to argue. I told Him there was nothing I wanted more than a heart change, but that Jesus had to give me something here. Something...anything. I wasn't expecting to be lifted up to heaven as John was, or to behold a dove and heaven split open to reveal God' audible voice. I told Him I would be watching, and that I would be watching SO HARD I wouldn't miss it. I was waiting...

I realize that so many of you right now might want to hang me on a cross alongside the thief that didn't go to heaven. What a blasphemous prayer, I know. The thing with me and God is, if I ever expect a heart change I need to be honest with Him.

God would answer my prayer in the most unusual way. A few days later during nap time. Walking down the hall I heard tinkering in Justus' room. I go in to scold him about having to stay in his bed and how he has disobeyed when he stops me and says, "But Mommy, I was talking to Jesus." If that isn't a quote to give you a heart check I don't know what is. [side note, it is interesting that any time Justus talks with Jesus it is behind his door...never on his bed] Anyway, so I ask him what he said to Jesus. He told Him that he was going to his friend's house to play in the pool and that he was going to bring everything he needed: his goggles, his bathing suit, his swim vest. All the necessaries. A smile begins to come across my lips, and I realize that I better ask what Jesus said back. So many of us are encouraged to talk to Jesus but never encouraged to listen to Him and I don't want Justus (or any of my children for that matter) to grow up that way. So I said, "Justus did Jesus say anything back?"

He pauses, gathers his thoughts and says, "Oh yes Mom! He said, 'You're going in the pool today J-man?!'" J-man is our nickname for him. He LOVES to be called J-man and often introduces himself as such until we remind him that it is also important that people know his real name. As a side note, isn't it awesome that Jesus addresses him the way HE wants to be addressed? That is such a desire of Justus' heart, to be known as J-man. He loves it, and Jesus knows that.

Moving on...

...So you all remember my prayer request? A sign that Heaven would be something fun, adventurous, exciting. A place I would want to be for all eternity. Well, after Justus tells me about his conversation with Jesus, he says to me, "Mom, Jesus wants you to know that He is having a lot of fun with Ruthie in Heaven." My eyes filled with tears. Not only amazingly enough was my son communicating with God's Son, but Jesus had given Justus a message special for me. He was in Heaven, Ruthie was right there with Him and they were having fun. She wasn't just sitting next to Him, beholding His glory, they were having fun. Instantly Christ filled my heart with the rest of the story. I heard in my spirit, "You will be here, you will have fun, with your family." You see He specifically told Justus He was having fun with Ruthie, my family member. He could have said anyone...He could have said, "Me and my cuz the baptist are having a blast up here, cuttin' it up." That would have been enough, but He answered all my prayers through the prophecy of one little 4 year old boy. Tell me my God isn't awesome, and I would have to disagree with you.

When was the last time you were so wrapped up in yourself that you need a lifeline to save yourself from yourself?

...That's where I was...

When was the last time you were brutally honest with God and gave Him room to show you how amazing He really is?

...That's what I did...

When was the last time you looked SO HARD for God that He turned up everywhere?

...That is my challenge for you!

If you look for God [and when I say God I don't mean some gender neutral dude in the clouds that is trying to smite you...I mean a loving Jesus who died for you] He will show up in the most amazing ways and you will not be able to doubt it was Him. Take a week and look for God...He is there: answering prayers, revealing Himself, guiding your path, protecting you, healing you, and loving you.

Reader, brother/sister, family member. I love you. Thanks for being here with me and for me as I bear my soul and my journey living in the world, but having a huge piece of me, a treasure if you will, stored up in Heaven.