DOs and DON'Ts

Hello readers!!! I know that some of you are emotionally struggling with me along this journey as you work out your own pain in your child being in eternity with Jesus. I also know that some of you are just working through your own pain...whatever that may be. I love you both!

After talking with a good handful of ladies that experienced similar situations as myself (at varying stages of pregnancy), I realized that the same comments from others seemed to sting us in our core. Knowingly or unknowingly, these words hurt...in an effort to help out someone who may find themselves dealing with a hurting mother, I wanted to put this list together to help you.

This is a "DO and DON'T" List to dealing with families that have experienced what feels like your child was ripped from your grasp. Some of your comments over the months/years have hurt us. No need to apologize, we realize that in not knowing what to say, you say what you think helps...unfortunately, it doesn't always. We love you anyway, but in the future we want to help you deal more effectively with your friends and families that are grieving. So here goes, I will start with the Do Nots.

DO NOT:

*Say "You are young you will have other children". Here's why: first you don't know that, only Christ does. Second another child will NEVER...I repeat NEVER take the place of a child you will never know until your time on earth is over.

*Say "If you would stop thinking about it you might get over it" no explanation needed...that's just harsh

*Say "I wish you would get pregnant, so you can move on with your life" its not like we aren't trying...timing is in the Lord's hands not ours

*Say "You should go away and get your mind off things" as if they won't come with us...or come back after the trip.

*Ask if they are going to have more children. In the midst of pain they may say something rash that they don't mean...and unless you are a super close friend using discernment at the right time, it is none of your business that is between husband and wife.

*Say, "Maybe God doesn't want you to have any more children" *sigh* Yes I really do know someone who has had this spoken to them.

*Say "You are so blessed you have one of each..a boy and a girl how amazing!" Yes, thank you, I am blessed coming and going, every day of my life, BUT that doesn't mean Ruthie was any less important b/c I already had one of her gender...

You may be thinking, "Who says these things?" Friends, family, strangers...anyone and everyone will have these things pop out of their mouths and here is why: they don't know how to handle us. They don't know what TO DO, so they say what ends up being painful to us. This is fine. We have learned to deal with those who can't imagine this pain in their own lives, but consider yourself educated now! This education will be a blessing as you minister to someone grieving their child.

A CAUTION: with regards to pregnancy. Be very careful when you ask someone (a stranger) if they are pregnant. As I went from place to place after Ruthie was born many asked me when my baby was due. I would explain that I just birthed and she was stillborn they would be a little shocked, and I would say, "It is all right, Jesus is good to us." As they staggered for a response, this was when many of the comments above came out. A few weeks ago in Walmart, I was asked when my baby was due and I said I had birthed several months ago and the woman asked me with a judgmental look if I was working out! Oh the craziness of strangers! I kept my cool and explained that I was working out. Now I say be careful to ask others about their pregnancy (unless it was REALLY obvious) because you never know if it is a grieving mother that in the midst of her pain has had some trouble getting the weight off. Let us be careful to minister to strangers and not drag them further into the pit.

OK, so a couple of things to DO:

*Use the child's name as often as possible. This validates to the family that you thought the child was a life worth naming as well.

*Help them have eternal perspective by talking about their child, the child's life in heaven, and how marvelous it is. The key here is TALK ABOUT THE CHILD. This child exists to us, it has not been taken away, we just have to wait to meet them.

*Talk about how they are doing. Don't always wait for them to bring it up. As a person in this situation I don't want my friends to think that it is all I can talk about, so at times I refrained. But to know that someone really cares how I am doing is really important.

*Give small gifts that help the family remember the child's life. One of my greatest times in the hospital was when I received a Christmas ornament from a friend. It was a letter R for Ruthie which will always be on our tree to remember her.

*Remember the birthday. Many parents who believe in heaven plan on celebrating that child's birthday. A card would be great made out to the child. These things seem weird to the non grieving family, but are a major part of the healing process.

*Pray for them.

*Ask to see pictures if they have them. In most cases with a stillborn, hardly anyone met the child or saw their natural beauty. Asking to be part of those moments via photos is so tender.

*Come to the Memorial Service if at all possible. This is a day of major healing for the family- a day they validate the life of their child- that family needs to know that they have the support of everyone. Here's why: in the age of late term abortions the medical community and many older generations struggle to claim a stillborn child as life. As parents we are fighting the tide here and need to know that our loved ones are on our side. To have a memorial service and have hardly anyone show up, is to kick the grieving family while they are already down.

*Send encouragement. Sometimes it feels like everyone else has "gotten over it" and we are still in it. Knowing that others remember we are in pain, is one of God's greatest tools to getting us out of the pit of despair.

*Point them back to scripture: Job, 2Samuel 12, Revelation

*Remind them that the promise of "abundant life" does not hinge on whether they have their child in their arms or not. Jesus provides that NO MATTER WHAT trial is in our lives.

I hope this helps you. Some of you have already been in contact with a hurting family, and I hope that this will help you minister to them in a language that heals rather than hurts.

**This blog is dedicated to my sister-in-Christ, Michelle. You have spoken volumes to me through the life of Dylan. God is using you in powerful ways and I know His hand of blessing is upon you! I praise God that if I had to walk this journey it is with you by my side, a woman who knows my pain so sincerely as our stories are almost mirror images. Thank you for your obedience to His calling on your life. Your strength inspires me, and I love you!