I thank my God every time I remember you

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers...of you, I always pray with joy...It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart" Philippians 1:3,4,7

Brian and I had part of this reference brought to our attention during a monthly meeting of parents who have lost children during pregnancy or through SIDS. It has been such a powerful verse to me, that I looked into the rest of it and was pleased with how God was able to quiet my spirit with His word.

If there is anything I have learned through the grieving process that I could pass on to someone else it is to add thanksgiving and praise to your process. So many times we think "GOD DID THIS!" and rather than give Him praise, we give Him our anger and the cold shoulder for a few months or even years. Brian and I are walking examples of the miracle God works in you when you partner your trials with praise and thanksgiving.

I have come to a point where memories of Ruthie still elicit emotion and can still be painful. I don't know that I will ever get to a point where they are not painful, but thankfully, God has blessed us with such goodness that there are times that I can only give thanks upon the remembrance of December 9, 2010. God has used Ruthie's life to make me stronger in my weakness, more compassionate yet more passionate than ever, and more grateful for each morning I wake with an opportunity to serve God. You see, while there is a wounding in my heart for not having Ruthie here, I have learned to function through that thorn in my flesh, as I am certain it will never go away. The primary way I have been able to pick up and move forward to quickly is because on every remembrance of Ruthie, no matter how painful, I give thanks too God. Why? Shouldn't I be angry? After all God did this...right? Wrong!

God allowed it, a different topic for a different day. But while He allowed her death, He also provided a way to grant her eternal life through Jesus' death on the cross. You see, 2000 years ago when Jesus died for the world Ruthie was on His mind. Jesus was dying for so many people and so many reasons, but I know He did it because some day down the line, Brian and Lexi would have to lift their baby girl up to Heaven and send her back before they even knew her. And Jesus' act at Calvary secured Ruthie's place there, and it secured our place there so that we have assurance that we will see her again. You see God is not our smiter, He is our redeemer and salvation from the pains of life. This is why, in a puddle of tears, with a heart filled with the greatest pain it has ever known, I can raise my hands in submission to the Lord, and thank Him, give Him the glory, and pray with joy over a daughter that is in my heart but not in my hands.

Jesus, I can only picture it, You in all your glory holding on tightly to my dear Ruthie until we can. Jesus would you love on her with the greatest love she has ever known? Will you tell her that we think of her often? Will you speak our testimony to her that she might know the power you have ushered into our lives because of her? Thank you for that reassurance of our reunion, thank you for the cross and the pain you endured for our sake. We love you with all our minds, hearts, and strength. I pray you would make yourself known to everyone who reads this and doesn't know you like I do. I pray they would know the God that redeems, the God that supplies, the God that heals, and the God that grants everlasting life. In Jesus' name, Amen.